under-estimated: June 2007

Saturday, 23 June 2007

lovely.

our MINNIE imprints =)
(can never get these in S'pore)

from left to right: YY's, YK's, Mine ["S", "M", "L"] =P

.under-estimated.

Happy Birthday (in adv.) to Ah Boy

To my beloved ah boy:

Happy Birthday in advance. Dajie have yet to get your birthday present yet. Was thinking to buy you those D.I.Y wooden toys, but I’m afraid that I might end up ‘D.I.Y-ing’ the toy for you. But anyway, dajie hope that you will continue being happy, healthy and cheerful.

Be mummy’s pride and hero. Make her happy and don’t be cheeky!

Love,
Dajie ,<33

holidays are way over.

Sigh. I’m dead. I could tell that I had just wasted my entire holiday on trying to do something stupid. Real stupid. Just because of the exams aftermath, it just wrecked my holidays. Refusing to face the reality and trying to live in my own world of “yes-I-can-do-its” was horribly ridiculous.

Feeling guilty now is late, damage done. Why had I again let my emotions control myself? Mad, turning sadistic. Regrets and more regrets.

Only did a few things during the holidays.
1. Did notes for Geog. [Chapter 1 & 2]
2. Did some A math & E math papers [probably not more than 5]
3. Did notes for Bio. [Chapter 9 & 11]
4. Thoroughly revised Chem- Chapter 13, Periodic Table
5. Started my own blog.
6. Watched TV.
7. Installed Roller Coaster Tycoon 3.
8. Bought the complete set of TYS [except for E math]
9. Went for a movie [Shrek 3]
10. Slacked terribly.
Period.

See? Perhaps there are some other little things that I did, but I just can’t remember. Sigh.

When am I going to get out of this mess and my dream land? Still thinking that I might be lucky to scrape pass every single time. Getting really mad at myself. Didn’t even bother to reply smses. Gosh.

.under-estimated.

Thursday, 21 June 2007

once upon a time - physics

Physics used to be my all-time-favorite subject. Now, that is history. I’m feeling just hopeless, fear touching the subject, despite the fact that I have the textbook and TYS loaded on my table top. Everyday I stare at it, hoping that someday I would be able to get over with the devil that is stopping me from practicing physics.

I miss those days when I used to get good results and living up to that standard. Physics used to be my friend, my good buddy. Now, it isn’t anymore. I feel more than just bad; I know I am deceiving myself, always thinking that I still love physics the way I used to and that I would still be able to get those B’s.

Those magic words of my teacher had done the trick. Here I am, doing what he strongly believes that I will be (I won’t pass my physics). But there I am, disappointing those that have faith in me (you know, the two female teachers and my parents). What am I doing? Or what am I trying to do? Hiding in a corner and let myself rot, and prove to him what a sucker I am? Gosh...

Again, it’s one of those ridiculous nightmares I’m going thru. Totally no idea when I am going to get over this. Feel so shameful, 没脸去见她了.

Other than this, there are thing to look forward to.
I’ve talk it out with mummy. Sigh, it’s silly really, after that talk, everything is like back to normal. Yeah, mummy loves me. =P Erjie is back~ (3 cheers!) Life seemed as though it is really looking up. Or maybe not, when I have only 2 more days of my holidays to enjoy.

I’m inviting mummy up here to read my blog. Hopefully it’ll be a good place for us to talk about stuff that is harder to say into each other’s face.

Hahas.
Long-live to her majesty (me). I love my family. Sigh.

.under-estimated.

Friday, 15 June 2007

jackpot

I was in a terribly bad mood today. I woke up in the morning, only to find myself full of enthusiasm to work on my geog notes, but only to find that all my pens went out of ink. So I couldn’t do any of my notes, so thankful. Then I tried to mess around with my other subjects, hoping to get something out of them. Mission failed and I decided to abort it. Afternoon came and I decided to try my luck to appeal for an hour of TV program. Failed again and ended up quarrelling with mummy.

I just couldn’t take what mummy was saying and I was angry and shot back. But I was thankful that mummy didn’t fire back at me. Gosh. So I decided to chill out at the library. I spent about 3 hours there. Went browsing thru the “parenting-section” and found a really cool book. Borrowed the book home, wondering if I had borrowed the book for myself, to learn how to parent myself, or was it for mummy and daddy? The book entitled: ‘how to really parent your teenager by Ross Campbell’ was really interesting. It was pretty obvious that I am a normal teenager after reading bits of the book, which showed telltale signs of adults-to-be.

However, there’s something which I worry. Look:

Telltale Signs
If your teenager displays not one but several of these symptoms, you should consider consultation and counseling.
1. Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, despair; lack of purpose or lack of interest in activities that have brought pleasure in the past
2. Short attention span and inability to concentrate……
3. A rapid plummet in academic performance
4. Physical symptoms: persistent aching, either muscular or common headaches; lack of energy; a rapid increase of decrease in appetite; weight changes; inability to sleep, or decrease in appetite; weight changes; inability to sleep, or the desire to sleep too often.
5. Unpredictable moods: irritability, anxiety, surly disposition, or frequent disputes with others.

Wow. So much to realize. I guess it’s time I reflect over this and consider seeking treatment. When will mummy have the time to sit down and hear me talk? It seems as though she’s avoiding the topic. Well, just hope I can get over with this real soon.

Meanwhile, there’s still so much more to discover from this parenting book. I will post more of my discoveries here when I am done.

2 more days to go…
Miss you, erjie <33

.under-estimated.

results aftermath

Thinking about what erjie said the other time, yes, maybe i should see a counsellor. I seriously think i am still greatly affected by my results of MY. it's something i can't get over with, maybe not me, but the people around me. devastated totally.

Regrets, life is full of them. Is it really that I'm not good? Or that I'm cursed? I don't know. All the effort went down the drain and got washed away, it's never coming back.

Still can't forget what Mrs.Sim said to me on PTC : "DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE YOUR SCIENCE. IT CAN'T BE, JUDGING FROM THE RESULTS..." Damage done. Morale shattered.
How can teachers say such harsh stuff? Well, shouldn't blame her. It's my fault all along. Just refuse to budge in my results. But when I've finally decided to do something bout it, my luck failed me.

physics.
My all-time favourite. Thanks to the morale-boosting results that i got for EOY last year, 60, B4. This time round, FAILED. Engraved on the front page of my MY paper, "YOU WILL NOT PASS YOUR O LVL'S THIS YEAR", again, damage done. Morale shattered. How can teachers say such harsh stuff? Inflicted guilt heavily on myself. sec 3 work, yet can't score.

I still remembered what Mrs.Chang told me before my MY. She told me to aim for a B4 for all subjects, I could tell she was on the verge of tears when she told me to work hard. I'm sorry, mdm, I failed.

I had wanted to do better in this MY, hoping to prove to myself that miracles do happen. Also, I had hoped to do mummy and daddy proud. Again, I failed.
Perhaps results are really everything:
-If I had got better results, mummy and daddy wouldn't be breathing down my neck so badly now.
-If I had got better results, I would have still enjoyed doing my TYSs' now.
IF I HAD..
In life, there are no "if's", if there were "if's", the world wouldn't be what it is today.

Whenever i think about my results, I feel stressed up and bad over it. then the process happens. I would suddenly feel as though mummy and daddy are stressing me, blaming me for all the results, when they are not. I know they are disappointed, but they hide it. I'd rather they tell me straight in the face and make me feel guilty about it. It's all the comparing between me and the rest. why I should be better and why I shouldn't be. Now I feel as though I'm a piece of trash that always pops itself out of the bin, giving a chance for others to step on.

I often ask myself, is aiming for a pass really that difficult?
Am I that lousy?
I don't know.
How long more do i have to wait?
This guilt relapses whenever results are mention. And it always gives me a headache whenever I think about it.

What's happening to me?

Yes, maybe i should see a counsellor.

.under-estimated.

Thursday, 14 June 2007

not my day

today just wasn't my day.

1. woke up at 11 plus, nearly 12. helped siang meng get ready for school, then yinyong got scolded for not doing her work properly. somehow anger is contagious, even i got the scolding.

2. tried cooking my own lunch, messed it up instead.

3. supposed to look after yinyong since mummy brought siang meng to school, ended up quarreling with her over some nonsensical issues.

4. yinyong smsed mummy to tell her all the crap i've said.

5. called mummy to ask her where she had gone, she simply refuse to say anything. worried, even though i know she's angry. mummy didn't come home till 7pm.

6. mummy refused to talk to me all the way.

7. erjie called from beijing. everyone else crowded around the phone, so i didn't go say hi to her. can tell tht she's happy and enjoying herself. as crazy as ever. i love my erjie <33

8. overheated the soup until it all evaporated and spill all over the stove.

9. didn't get to watch my "学警" show at 9.30pm.

10. last one to be awake in the house.

so lonely today. got up from the wrong side of the bed and did nothing at all. just sleep and sleep and more sleep. now it really hurts to know that you're not being care for by yr loved ones. sigh, if only erjie was around, things would have been much better.
3 more days to see you...

erjie, i miss u.. ,<33

.under-estimated.

Tuesday, 12 June 2007

YK's Beijing Trip (II)

erjie's at beijing now, spending her second day there.. i hope she's enjoying herself, because she sounded "sian" on the phone when she called back..

i realise, it is only when things are not there, then u'll learn to appreciate their presence. i miss erjie loads, her laughter, her smile, her noise and her words of comfort. hope she comes back soon.

6 more days of waiting...

.under-estimated.