Monday, 21 April 2008
I’m feeling so tired and so emo now. Too much has happened during the weekend, just too much for me to take and digest. I’m really going crazy.
I’m still not used to this poly life yet. Everything is in a mess. I’m like so wrecked up. There’re a few projects that came up, but all at one shot was a bit hard to catch and breathe through them. I decided that Eileen’s project should be done first, I mean, it’s just so not right to delay her stuff. I wanted to finish her project quickly, so that I could carry on with my own.
Blehhs. I didn’t even manage to survive through my own projects. I’m just so down with luck for the past two days. Dad just blared his way through yesterday afternoon. He was like bellowing the “word” away with all his might, as though he had been yearning for someone to scold that word with. It was so uncivilised and so “barbaric”. I really couldn’t stand it. I’m not angry or upset with the fact that he scolded me for “doing not-my-own project”. Anyway, he didn’t even give me a chance to explain. I’m just so disgusted to hear him use that word to “xxxx” all the way. Freak faeces. That was my limit. You scold me with that word; I’ll remember you for life on what you did. So please don’t blame me for the cold war in here. I’ve already said tons of times that “at-home” language should be different from “at-camp” language. I’m the daughter, not some lousy subordinates at camp. Dirty language, dirty mouth. I desperately want to wash my ears clean after his swearing session. Totally disgusted. If this ever happened on the streets, I would simply walk away from him and treat it as though I don’t know who he is. No way, swearing with such inhumane words is totally intolerable. Anyway, that word spoilt my entire Sunday. Look, defects of using so inappropriate language.
So there went my in-completed BIZCA project and my undone ITL tutorial and my hanging WP powerpoint.
Point to note: I’m still struggling with ITL. I don’t understand the weird termi-logies. The phrases and words that are used are really abstract. I don’t get it. Why isn’t there like any translation kind of thing? I’m not so smart after all. I can’t afford to lose out again in poly. But I really don’t know what I can do about this. There’s this phobia that is apparently still in me, with many thanks to the bad memories from the last 4 years. I still think I suck at school and that I’m at the bottom of the class already, even before the first exam is here or something. I miss sec sch life. Really lost and I find it a bit hard to catch all that I’m going through now.
I did something really wrong just now. I could say what I did was deliberate. But I was just so unwilling to talk to anyone at home, including Mum. It’s not her fault or anything, but I’m just disappointed with her. I don’t feel important at home sometimes. YY gets all the attention she wants or needs. She gets the privilege to hurt me with words in which I sometimes try to warn her not to. But even when things get out of hand, and I try to related the message to Mum and Dad, all they do is to kind of like tell YY something like “try not to do that again”. It sounds exactly like some normal conversation. Nothing of the sort like a warning or a stern feedback. I’m fed up and I find it really not fair. Does it really mean that the youngest can always get away with all these? I know that I’ve quite a bit of characteristics that are “great for discussion”, but this is just not the way. Sometimes it gets really a bit too crude and it’s out of my limit. Grr...
Everything is in a mess right now. I’m going haywire.
Really.
I drive me nuts.
.under-estimated.
“Stay away from that word when you are near me.”
by makk at 10:41 am |
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